Drunk texting

This one had me dying:

(731): I put chalk all over my face apparently and told people I sucked dick for coke.
 
(740): I would plow her like an amish guy supporting his family

(503): I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

(831): He named his dick Moses, because it parts legs.
 
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